On dented cans
Should I actually be worried about eating something from a dented can? If so, why are there so many dented cans at the supermarket?
The warning to ‘avoid dented cans’ isn’t totally accurate. What harm could come from a wee dent in the side of a can? Turns out, none. A more accurate warning would be ‘avoid punctured cans.’ What harm could come from a pinprick in a can? Turns out a lot, actually.
A can with a hole in it would invite bacteria growth. Since cans aren’t refrigerated and are generally stored for a long time, a contaminated can could host an impressive amount of bacteria growth before its contents are eaten.
Consuming a heroic dose of bacteria can end badly. I’m not talking about a minor stomach ache; I’m talking about a quantity of vomit that would prevent you from getting the security deposit back on your apartment. I’m talking Niagara Falls-style diarrhea. I’m talking the kind of food poisoning that takes years of therapy to get past.
Me after eating a can with a puncture in it.
Onto your second question: Yes, you may see a few dented cans at the supermarket. Why? Probably because shoppers accidentally knock cans off the shelf—denting them—and then put them back on the shelf. An employee at a reputable supermarket would pull a dented can from the shelf and put it somewhere in the back. In theory, supermarkets can return damaged goods to the vendor, but it’s a hassle for not much of a refund. Plus, a freak like me will buy a dented can of refried beans if it’s the last one on the shelf.
If you’re seeing a lot of dented cans at your local supermarket, it means you’re shopping at a disreputable establishment. Picture this: some bozo in a Queens warehouse is texting while using a forklift to unload a pallet of refried beans. He unwittingly pilots the forklift into a pylon, which results in a collision. The warehouse boss is pissed — now they can’t sell this pallet-o-beans!— and it gets deposited into a dark corner of the warehouse. But there is a buyer!
Your sketchy local grocer buys the pallet for 20 cents on the dollar and displays it at the alluring price of $1 per can. He knows that his customer (me, and perhaps you) won’t let a scuffed label, a litany of dents, and a spattering of brown goop across the logo stop me from dolla’ beans. In fact, I will fill my whole pantry with them because I am cheap as fuck and I understand the risks around dented cans.
In summary:
Dents are not the problem. Punctures are the problem.
Do not be concerned with small dents or dents across the side of a can.
However, avoid cans that are so deeply dented that there may actually be a tiny hole at the deepest point. According to the USDA, a deep dent is “one that you can lay your finger into”. (Kinky.)
Avoid cans that are dented at the seam, aka along the top or bottom ring. Since this is where cans are sealed, it’s a weak point and a prime spot for a dent-puncture hybrid.
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On covid-19 in your food
What do I need to know about covid-19 and food safety?
Wash your hands and pray everyone else does too. That’s it.
Most food safety practices are intended to curb bacteria growth. This is because bacteria can multiply in food. If you leave a half-eaten Chipotle burrito in your backpack overnight, the bacteria counts will increase drastically— which is to say that the risk of bacterial food poisoning from that burrito will increase.
Viruses cannot reproduce without a host. So if your leftover burrito was somehow contaminated with covid (likely because someone sick with covid touched their face and then prepared your burrito) then no amount of time or food safety neglect would increase the amount of virus on that burrito. Growth won’t start until it finds a host. Until then, the virus will remain dormant— or, if enough time elapses, it will die.
When it comes to transmitting covid, food is not much different than a doorknob or a subway pole. It’s just a surface that the virus can attach to. The only thing you can do is wash your hands before you eat and hope that the people who prepare your food are doing the same.
On tong etiquette
My girlfriend got annoyed with me for using the same tongs to put chicken on the grill and take it off. Is this an actual issue or is she just being bossy?
It’s an actual food safety concern. I’m going to gloss over the bit about her being bossy. Why does the sight of a lighted grill turn all men into surly, territorial hippos?
Alas, I digress. Here’s why you should switch tongs midway through grilling.
When you put your raw chicken on the grill, you might contaminate your tongs with salmonella. This pesky bacteria reliably resides in raw bird and It’s the reason we all get a little touchy about raw poultry (or everyone except you, you cool, dimwitted cucumber). If it weren’t for salmonella, we might see more chicken tartare on restaurant menus.
When you use those same tongs to handle raw chicken and take cooked stuff off the grill, you could transfer some of the pathogen from the dirty tongs onto your ready-to-eat food. This would undermine the reason you cooked it in the first place**—which is what your girlfriend was trying to express.
The easy solution is this: change your tongs after you flip the chicken. You can wash the tongs with soap and then safely reuse them. This wouldn’t actually kill any bacteria but it would remove it from the surface of the utensil.
Or if you’re extra lazy like me, you can just hold the contaminated tongs over the grill for a few seconds and rotate them slowly. This will have the effect of heat-sanitizing them. Whatever salmonella had contaminated the tongs will be instantly killed at 165ºF — the same temperature you’re supposed to cook the chicken to — and no amount of DEAD salmonella can make you sick.
Anyway, you should be grateful to your girlfriend — she’s trying to protect your health and she’s 100% right on this one.
*There are safe methods for preparing and serving raw chicken but there’s such a strong aversion to the concept that we don’t see much of it at this point.
**The reason we cook food is because cooking kills bacteria, not because you prefer hot food and not because you think grill stripes are sexy.
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On fruit flies in your kitchen
What’s the deal with fruit flies? Are they living in fruit when I buy it? Migrating to it? But from where?
Fruit flies — the tiny ones, not the big ones — are the product of bad sanitation. They breed on moist organic material, seeking a nice sludgy environment to lay eggs in and use as a home base. What I’m trying to say is that you’re dirty.
As you’d expect, fruit flies will live on dirty kitchen surfaces and ripe fruit. But there may be other breeding grounds in your apartment that you’re overlooking: chronically damp house plants, dirty trash bins, and empty wine bottles.
bad things happen when you leave fruit out for too long
A licensed sanitarian — whatever that means — once told me that if you see fruit flies then their breeding site is less than 20 feet away. This means they’re not coming from your neighbor’s filthy apartment or the restaurant downstairs. This is on you. Where’s the grime? Find the grime!
Let’s say your kitchen is visibly clean and still visibly infested. Where are the flies coming from?
They’re living in your sink drain. Betcha didn’t see that coming. All you have to do is empty a full kettle of boiling water down the drain and it’ll kill all of the eggs.
Once you do this, the fruit fly population will diminish quickly. You can speed up the process by trapping adult flies using this simple fruit fly trap.
But first, here’s a fun game: count the number of fruit flies in your kitchen. The first one is worth 5 points and every additional fly is worth 1 point. Tally your total points and calculate your NYC Health Department letter grade using this scale:
0-13 points: “A”
14-27 points: “B”
28+ points: “C”
Print the official letter grade and post it prominently on your front door. Tell your neighbors that the health department inspection caught you totally off guard and that you heard they’re going to be working their way through the building all week.
Ok, now go flush all your drains with boiling water.
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On using a meat thermometer
Should I use a meat thermometer?
Yes, but less for safety than because it’ll make you a better cook. If you don’t use a meat thermometer and you are happy with how your meat dishes turn out, read no further —it’s unlikely you’ll get sick from merely undercooking your meat.
Here’s why: It takes a fairly large bacteria count (of, for example, Salmonella or E Coli—the most likely culprits in meat) to poison a healthy person. Even if this kind of bad bug ends up in your food it would take a remarkable amount of neglect to achieve bacteria counts that would survive a half-assed grilling.
What does a “remarkable amount” mean? Well, maybe the factory farm fucked up and then you left your groceries in the trunk of your car for several days. Or you accidentally marinated your chicken thighs in feces (whoops, wrong jar).
Me killing off the whole tailgate with my cooking
Even still, a normal cooking process will render your shit-glazed chicken bacteria-free*.
But maybe you’re like me — you are simply (and irrationally) terrified about getting sick from eating undercooked meat. So you prod your steaks like a pin cushion and read your chicken tenders like tea leaves. You subscribe to a color gradient safety standard of your own devising. It has worked so far, but is it worth the lingering fear that you’re about to kill off the whole tailgate?
Probably not. So get a meat thermometer and two things will happen:
1. You’ll realize you’re grossly overcooking everything. Even if you only use it a few times, your sense of “it’s ready!” will calibrate truer and your food will taste better.
2. You will stop worrying about killing everyone who eats your food.
*Yes yes I know; there’s tons of other bad stuff in feces like parasites and viruses. I’m just talking about bacteria here, so go hate-tweet at someone else.
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On coffee “creamer”
What’s the deal with those tiny capsules of creamer at the coffee station. Is it OK to put these in my coffee even though they are unrefrigerated?
What is creamer? I know exactly what you’re talking about but I have no idea what it actually is. The best I can say is that creamer is a catchall category for things that get dumped into cheap coffee.
Motel room “creamer” is probably a blend of oils and chemicals. SoHo office “creamer” is a blend of nut milk and chemicals. We’re not even getting into powdered creamers — this shit gets weird.
I’m going to imagine you are at respectable diner on I-80 and that the creamer you’re asking about is real dairy cow-titty milk. The easy way to know for certain is that the words “half & half” or “milk” will be printed on the cup. They can’t do that unless it’s the real deal.
Those little udder squirts don’t require refrigeration. If you look closely, you will see the letters “UHT” printed onto the cuplet — this stands for Ultra-High-Temperature. This means the milk was heated super hot, then put into that tiny sterile container and sealed. The result is shelf-stable milk — no refrigeration necessary.
Pour yourself a second cup of watery joe. You have nothing to fear.
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