On Defrosting Meat

What are your thoughts on defrosting meat? Half of the internet is full of people saying they and all their family members have always left things to thaw on the counter and then the other half is people (and the USDA) saying you have to plan ahead and defrost in the fridge which takes forever or use a microwave, which always does a bad job.

While I do not currently own a freezer, I do have thoughts. Let’s review defrosting safety by the common methods:

Defrosting on the countertop

No. Bad. This is the wrong way to defrost meat. Getting food poisoning from countertop defrosting is low-probability—but high-stakes. Kinda like that particle accelerator in Geneva which could create an Earth-swallowing black hole every time the scientists fire it up. Likely? No. Civilization ending? Yes.

In other words, even if you snub the official defrosting guidance, it’s unlikely that something will go wrong. This is why half the internet says it’s ok to thaw meat on the countertop. They’re not lying—I mean, clearly it’s worked out for them so far—but that doesn’t mean it’s safe.

If the frozen food gods conspire against you, you’re in for a pretty bleak weekend. Let’s say that some Clostridium Botulinum ends up in your vacuum-packed fish sticks and you defrost them on the countertop. Surprise! You’ve Got Botulism™. Botulism symptoms are what the D.A.R.E. anti-drug propaganda told you would happen if you took psychedelic drugs:  double vision, dry mouth, trouble breathing and a 5-10% fatality rate. 

Botulism is a nightmare— and that’s just one type of bacteria that could grow under countertop conditions. If you’re a cautious person—someone who wears a bike helmet and only buys DMT from a reputable drug dealer— then keep reading.

Nom Nom Rating: Unsafe.

Defrost Time: 1 - 8 hrs.

This is your brain on Clostridium Botulinum

Defrosting in the fridge

Yes. Good. This is the safest method. By seamlessly transitioning from freezer to refrigerator, you never expose the food to temperatures that would allow for bacteria growth. The only problem is that it can take  a week to defrost a whole chicken. I usually start off with this method and then panic when I realize that the dinner guests are arriving in 2 hours and the chicken is still rock hard. Then I switch to one of the other methods. 

Nom Nom Rating: Safest, but highly impractical

Defrost Time: 1 day for a few chicken breasts and up to 7 days for a big bird.

Defrosting Big Bird? It’ll take longer.

Defrosting under running water 

Pro tip: This is how they do it in restaurants. Without removing the meat from the packaging, place it into a stock pot or any large container, then lower the container into the sink. Run the tap cold into the container at half-blast so that it fills and overflows into the sink. The meat should be totally submerged, but it’s fine if it floats to the top.  

The key here is to keep the tap running — you need to keep the water moving or else the meat will shroud itself in a layer of frigid water and slow the defrost process. This is a terrific waste of water but it works! There’s also something a little fun about turning on the faucet and then going out to a movie knowing that it’s the “right” thing to do. 

Nom Nom Rating:  Very safe.

Defrost time: 1 hour for a personal portion of fish and up to 6 hours for a frozen roast or whole chicken.

Defrosting in the microwave:

Defrosting in the nuker can be unsettling because you occasionally wind up with a piece of chicken that is half-cooked and half-frozen. (Freud wrote about this.) I resisted this method of defrosting for a long time because I didn’t really understand how to use a microwave. Like, I knew they had a defrost setting but it just seemed too complicated. Fun fact: Did you know that the instructions for all of those mysterious microwave settings are conveniently printed on the inside of the door? If not, go check right now. Get freaky, try new things with your microwave.

So yeah, it’s spooky when your microwave self-assesses a defrost time of fifteen minutes — which is fifteen times longer than I’ve ever cooked anything in a microwave —  but don’t let that deter you. Go read a book or watch porn or something. Your food will emerge properly defrosted.

Safety Rating: Safe as long as you defrost immediately prior to cooking.

Defrost Time: 4-20 minutes

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