On Defrosting Meat
What are your thoughts on defrosting meat? Half of the internet is full of people saying they and all their family members have always left things to thaw on the counter and then the other half is people (and the USDA) saying you have to plan ahead and defrost in the fridge which takes forever or use a microwave, which always does a bad job.
While I do not currently own a freezer, I do have thoughts. Let’s review defrosting safety by the common methods:
Defrosting on the countertop
No. Bad. This is the wrong way to defrost meat. Getting food poisoning from countertop defrosting is low-probability—but high-stakes. Kinda like that particle accelerator in Geneva which could create an Earth-swallowing black hole every time the scientists fire it up. Likely? No. Civilization ending? Yes.
In other words, even if you snub the official defrosting guidance, it’s unlikely that something will go wrong. This is why half the internet says it’s ok to thaw meat on the countertop. They’re not lying—I mean, clearly it’s worked out for them so far—but that doesn’t mean it’s safe.
If the frozen food gods conspire against you, you’re in for a pretty bleak weekend. Let’s say that some Clostridium Botulinum ends up in your vacuum-packed fish sticks and you defrost them on the countertop. Surprise! You’ve Got Botulism™. Botulism symptoms are what the D.A.R.E. anti-drug propaganda told you would happen if you took psychedelic drugs: double vision, dry mouth, trouble breathing and a 5-10% fatality rate.
Botulism is a nightmare— and that’s just one type of bacteria that could grow under countertop conditions. If you’re a cautious person—someone who wears a bike helmet and only buys DMT from a reputable drug dealer— then keep reading.
Nom Nom Rating: Unsafe.
Defrost Time: 1 - 8 hrs.
This is your brain on Clostridium Botulinum
Defrosting in the fridge
Yes. Good. This is the safest method. By seamlessly transitioning from freezer to refrigerator, you never expose the food to temperatures that would allow for bacteria growth. The only problem is that it can take a week to defrost a whole chicken. I usually start off with this method and then panic when I realize that the dinner guests are arriving in 2 hours and the chicken is still rock hard. Then I switch to one of the other methods.
Nom Nom Rating: Safest, but highly impractical
Defrost Time: 1 day for a few chicken breasts and up to 7 days for a big bird.
Defrosting Big Bird? It’ll take longer.
Defrosting under running water
Pro tip: This is how they do it in restaurants. Without removing the meat from the packaging, place it into a stock pot or any large container, then lower the container into the sink. Run the tap cold into the container at half-blast so that it fills and overflows into the sink. The meat should be totally submerged, but it’s fine if it floats to the top.
The key here is to keep the tap running — you need to keep the water moving or else the meat will shroud itself in a layer of frigid water and slow the defrost process. This is a terrific waste of water but it works! There’s also something a little fun about turning on the faucet and then going out to a movie knowing that it’s the “right” thing to do.
Nom Nom Rating: Very safe.
Defrost time: 1 hour for a personal portion of fish and up to 6 hours for a frozen roast or whole chicken.
Defrosting in the microwave:
Defrosting in the nuker can be unsettling because you occasionally wind up with a piece of chicken that is half-cooked and half-frozen. (Freud wrote about this.) I resisted this method of defrosting for a long time because I didn’t really understand how to use a microwave. Like, I knew they had a defrost setting but it just seemed too complicated. Fun fact: Did you know that the instructions for all of those mysterious microwave settings are conveniently printed on the inside of the door? If not, go check right now. Get freaky, try new things with your microwave.
So yeah, it’s spooky when your microwave self-assesses a defrost time of fifteen minutes — which is fifteen times longer than I’ve ever cooked anything in a microwave — but don’t let that deter you. Go read a book or watch porn or something. Your food will emerge properly defrosted.
Safety Rating: Safe as long as you defrost immediately prior to cooking.
Defrost Time: 4-20 minutes
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On washing raw fish
My local fishmonger scoffs at the idea of washing fish before cooking. My local fearmonger scoffs at his scoff. Who's right?
Fishman is right. The ostensible purpose for washing fish is to remove bacteria. But when you get all splishy-splashy in your sink with raw fish, then you risk spreading the bacteria you’re so intent on removing onto nearby food or clean dishes. In their official guidance warning the public not to wash raw fish, the USDA cites the highly scientific fact that the splash zone around your sink can be up to 3 feet!
Your sink’s splash zone
Sometimes I bristle at the patronizing undertones of the USDA’s guidance. You telling me I’m too stupid to wash a fishes? Actually, yes.
But before you proceed in defiance, let me offer some reasons not to wash raw fish that are less offensive to your intellect. Here’s one: washing fish is not actually an effective means of eliminating bacteria. Even a sleek-looking cut of fish has enough bacteria-laden crevices that no amount of water is going to make that fish bacteria-free.
The good news is that cooking is highly effective when it comes to slaughtering bacteria—which means that any sort of pre-treatment is pretty much unnecessary.
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On primitive kitchen tools
A few months ago I transitioned from using disposable sponges & liquid detergent to bar soap and a dish brush– trying to limit how much trash I produce etc etc– but now I'm wondering if this is actually disgusting and unsanitary. The fibers on the brush are natural, and the brush sits on top of the soap when I'm not using it. I.... don't wash the brush. Is this nasty??
What a fun endeavor. Not nasty! But maybe I’m not the best judge of this as I am midway through a multi-year process of converting my dinnerware to primitive eating tools. My goal is to serve soup in abalone shells and drink wine from literal gourds. Why am I doing this? Because Island of the Blue Dolphins had a big impact on me and also because the sight of a dishwasher full of shells makes me giggle. Is it safe? Of course it’s fucking safe.
My butter dish
Currently, my eating surfaces have Benjamin-Buttoned from ordinary CB2 ceramic plates to vaguely plate-shaped slabs of wood. There’s a little nuance when it comes to cleaning wooden dishes and It also applies to your medieval scrubbing tools.
The key is making sure that your brush dries completely between uses. Stacking it on top of the bar soap actually seems like a good way to make this happen. Just avoid letting it sit at the bottom of your sink in a puddle of dirty dishwasher, which is a fast track to a nasty brush.
If you notice that your well-maintained brush has become a little grimy, you can employ ones of my favorite sanitizing techniques:
Dump boiling water on your dish brush.
Soak it in a diluted bleach solution (1 tbsp bleach per gallon of water) for a few hours. This is the best thing to do if you start to notice black moldy splotches on the brush.
Run it in the dishwasher, if you have one.
One note. All of these techniques will de-nasty your brush, but they’ll also remove the natural oils from the wood, and those oils help prevent your brush from getting nasty in the first place. So if your wood brush starts getting dry and porous-looking, consider rubbing some oil into it (olive, coconut or any natural oil will work). This will prevent it from warping and cracking while also keeping the bad stuff out.
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On hot dogs from a cart
Are street hot dogs safe to eat?
Nothing like a hot wiener fresh off the wagon on summer’s day. Even as a resident New Yorker, street dogs have a special appeal— especially when paired with a visit to the Met or the public library. Is eating a hot dog prepared on an urban thoroughfare an advisable health decision? Let’s break down ye lowly hot dog cart into its component parts:
Ingredients
Buns are safe.
While condiments should be refrigerated in your home, there’s not a ton of risk in ketchup, mustard, and relish because they are sugary, acidic, and pickled, respectively. These qualities deter bacteria growth so it’s fairly safe to let the nice man paint red yellow and green stripes on your street dawg. I’d be wary of mayo since it’s like Coachella for bacteria. But why would anyone apply mayo to a hot dog in the first place? Moving on.
As for the dog itself...I’m not getting into that. The USDA oversees meat production with a keen eye and they do a thorough job. It’s unlikely that there’s a failure at the manufacturing stage and more likely that the product would be mishandled during preparation, which brings us to:
Cooking
Street hot dogs are boiled. This works for two reasons: it’s both low-effort and impossible to screw up. However, to avoid overcooking, street dogs are stored in less-than boiling water. In the biz, this is known as “hot holding.” This is an easy way to keep food ready-to-serve over a long period of time. Hot holding works because nothing can grow in hot-hot food. The bad news is that if the food isn’t quite hot enough then it creates ideal conditions for bacteria growth. Bungled hot holding is the reason outbreaks occur at buffets, cruise ships, and weddings.
So how can you ensure you’re buying a safe street wiener? Look for a billow of steam when the dude de-lids his cache of meat logs and confirm yours is piping hot on the first bite. Last but not least, there is...
Handling
The assembly of a street dog should resemble a fledgling Mormon relationship: technically touchless. Since unbridled hand-to-wiener contact is apostasy, your vendor should jostle the unwed wiener into the bun using tongs or a sheath of paper—either of which is permissible in the eyes of God. I mean, how else are things supposed to progress?
The important thing is that the cart man doesn’t contaminate the food. The easy solution here is “Don’t touch the food” but having clean hands is equally important. Where’s the hand washing sink on that cart? Unclear, but at some point one did exist or else the health department wouldn’t have issued a permit.
The bottom line is this: hot dog carts are a safe street-level eatery. The wildcard is the guy running the cart, but the germ-slaying effects of boiling a hot dog outweigh all but the most neglectful of cart operators. I wouldn’t think twice about nom’ing on an alley sausage. Where else can you get a hot meal in downtown Manhattan for a dollar?
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On sharing a water glass with the cat
How bad is it to drink from the same glass as a cat? I'm not saying I do this intentionally, but I'm kind of neurotic about having a glass of water on my nightstand when I go to sleep, and I recently caught my cat slurping from it during the wee hours. I threw that glassful away, but who knows how many times she's contaminated my nighttime drinking supply? Am I at risk for something serious or is the thought of drinking after her just a mildly icky possibility?
The image of you and your cat alternating sips from the same cup is kinda cute. However, cats are the source of a truly horrific parasite called Toxoplasma Gondii. This parasite is found in cat poop and environments where felines roam freely.
In your case, there’s a straightforward case for contracting the parasite: You are engrossed in an episode of Downton Abbey and your beloved cat, Wilson, is casually rimming himself on your nightstand. Then Wilson takes a sip of water. Then you take a sip of water. Congratulations, you are now infected with Toxoplasma Gondii!
You called?
Here’s another example of how you could contract the parasite: picture a farmyard with goats and chickens and a bossy barn cat who is liberal about where he shits. It’s not unfeasible that some of this excrement could get mixed up in the other animals’ food and water supply and infect the whole #barnsquad with the parasite.
Fast forward to your glitzy farm-to-table dinner where you are served a $250 plate of obscure root vegetables and locally-raised meats in a restored turn-of-the-century barn. You see me approach under the twinkling lights and you know I’m about to ruin your dinner with some trivial food safety bullshit. You’re right, I am.
Before I can say anything, you drain your wine glass and preemptively launch into a frantic tirade defending this farm’s back-to-the-earth agricultural practices. Yeah yeah, I believe you that the goats are living their best lives and that this farm is “closed loop”, whatever that means. Yep, no antibiotics, I heard you the first time. But I come bearing bad news: none of this matters because your thoughtfully-raised goat entree is just a tad undercooked, which means any T. Gondii in that goat might still be alive and keen to make you its latest host.
You lock eyes with me as the world around us falls still. You knife a choice bite of goat, swipe it across the chimichurri and defiantly chew it down, all without breaking eye contact. I raise my hands in defeat and slowly back away into the night. You are now infected with Toxoplasma Gondii. Can’t say I didn’t warn you.
It’s us against the world!
So, what happens next?
Uhhh, you’re not pregnant are you? Have you heard that pregnant women aren’t supposed to spend time around cats? It’s true. And it’s because Toxoplasmosis can lead to miscarriage or lifelong health problems in a child born with the disease (think eye lesions, seizures, mental disabilities). The silver lining is this: If a woman has already contracted Toxoplasma gondii long before pregnancy, then her body’s immune response will be passed along to the child. Crisis averted.
For everyone else, let’s start with the good news: 60 million Americans are infected with this parasite* and if you’re a healthy individual, then you’re probably gonna be asymptomatic. Even though you’ll have the parasite, your immune system will keep it in check. Worst comes to worst, you may exhibit something like the flu for a few weeks or months. Who knows, you might already have it.
Just to be safe, you might want to invest in a cat-proof sippy cup for your bedside water supply.
*For what it’s worth, the parasite is called Toxoplasmosis Gondii, and the disease is called Toxoplasmosis. If the doctors can’t stop laughing at you then it might be because you’re getting them mixed up.
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On maraschino cherries
What’s the deal with maraschino cherries? Based on the color alone I feel like they could be cancer-causing.
I love maraschino cherries. If maraschino cherries were given a human name they would be called Tiffany. They are the only garnish which routinely upstages the thing being garnished. They’re like cocaine for children, and parents generally apply the same logic governing their usage: “not allowed” unless it’s a really fancy dinner in which case you’re allowed one or unless it’s a wedding in which case YOLO.
This is the place where I disclaim that what you’re about to read will forever change your relationship to maraschino cherries. If you’d like to keep things simple between you and Tiffany, just stop here.
I’d like to introduce the rest of you to my friend Vick. Vick spent his high school summers working at a cherry processing plant in Oregon. The job entailed ten-hour shifts of hard labor in a warehouse chilled to 35ºF, but it was lucrative —we’re talking $25/hr — which translates to more weed than even a high school kid can smoke. The plant was also run by his neighbor’s family, so the cherry pit crüe was perennially composed of Vick’s degenerate friends. These benefits proved enough to dissuade him from finding alternative summer employment. Come harvest time, there was always the cherry factory. Throughout college he continued to enlist.
It was a simple job. All day long, the cherry boys sorted fruit by quality in an oversized, windowless ice chest. The best cherries were sold fresh at farmer’s markets. The mid-tier cherries were diverted to a flash freezer, where they were bagged for the supermarket frozen aisle. The lowest tier cherries were canned. Then, at the end of the shift, they’d sweep up all of the cherries that had fallen on the floor and combine them with the remaining rotten and rejected cherries. These were sent away to become maraschino cherries.
When I first learned about this, I did not take the news lightly. I swore off maraschino cherries. No limp pineapple wedge could compare to ravaging Tiffany’s delicious flesh at a bar mitzvah—but I tried not to look back. I began seeing other fruit.
Where were you last night, Tiffany?
Now I know better. A curious fact of food safety is that there’s no universal correlation between food quality and safety. Meaning, an unblemished cherry is no safer to eat than its severely bruised counterpart. Here’s another example: the presence of “insect fragments” is commonplace in plant-based products like peanut butter or chocolate. But since eating insects poses no health risk and is conveniently undetectable to the consumer, there’s not much incentive to debug the cocoa beans before you throw them in the grinder. When you start using this logic to make business decisions, the result is unsettling. Why should maraschino cherries be anything other than the floor sweepings— if it’s cheaper, equally safe, and the consumer will never know?
Luckily, we have the FDA to set some boundaries. The FDA’s “food defects level handbook” is a guide that sets a legal threshold for nasty (albeit harmless) shit in your food. Including literal shit. For example, there shall be no more than 1 mg of mammalian poop included per pound of cinnamon. For another example, there shall be no more than nine rodent hairs per 10 grams of sage. When you peruse the handbook, you start to get a sense of the conditions under which these foods are produced.
Maraschino cherries get a specific call out in the handbook: No more than 1 in 20 of them shall be maggot-infested. Quick math: that’s 16 allowable maggot-infested cherries per gallon jar. According to the FDA, any more would render these cherries defective for “aesthetic” reasons:
Personally, I’ve reconciled with Tiffany...even after knowing what I know about her dirty ways. I don’t buy maraschino cherries at the supermarket because I have a tiny morsel of self-respect, but I am thrilled to encounter them in the wild. I always eat the cherry before I drink the drank, and I’d fish yours from the empty glass if you left it behind.
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